I pull off the road
East of Baldock and Ashford
Feeling for my cell
In the light from the dashboard

Hissing from the road
The smell of rain in the air con
Maybe check the news
Or just put a tape on

Lighting up a smoke
I've got this feeling inside me
Don't feel too good

If I close my eyes
And fell asleep in this layby
Would it all subside
The fever pushing the day by

Motor window wind
I could do with some fresh air
Can't breathe too well

(She waits for me. Home waits for me.)

I guess I should go now
She's waiting to make up
To tell me she's sorry
And how much she missed me
I guess I'm just burnt out
I really should slow down
I'm perfectly fine but
I just need to lie down

We'll grow old together
We'll grow old together
We'll grow old together....

My girlfriend says
That I need help
My boyfriend says
I'd be better off dead

I'm gonna get drunk
Come round and fuck you up
I'm gonna get drunk
Come round and fuck you up
And you can't help my life
But you can hide... the knives

My girlfriend says
That I'm confused
My boyfriend says
That I'm bad news

All people are shit
Bad trip tattoed on my brain
All people are shit
Bad trip tattoed on my brain
And you can't help my life
But you can hide...

I wanna crawl up inside you and die
I wanna crawl up inside you and die
I wanna crawl up inside you and die
I wanna crawl up inside you and die

And you can't help my life
But you can hide the knives
And you can't help my life
But you can hide... the knives

You must feel frustration
'Cause you mind feels such temptation
And your ways appear a total lack of faith

You may feel elation
At your body's re-creation
And that joy you need, restricted by one thought

Are you forever - loss of purpose in a passive life
Are you forever - pale, regarded as a waste of time

High times are courageous
But in truth they suit no purpose
Induced, reduced, unable and afraid...

Can you feel rejection
And a lack of motivation
And the joy you need restricted and delayed

Are you forever - loss of purpose in a passive life
Are you forever - pale, regarded as a waste of time

oasis

I've long debated posting on this blog about Randy Pausch, a former CMU colleague who passed away due to pancreatic cancer on July 25, 2008. While Randy was in the same department (HCII) as I was the past 4 years we never met. When the news about his cancer came out he sent out frequent email updates which always ran shivers down my spine.

I also vividly remember the day when the sad news arrived in my mailbox that after a 2 year battle Randy had finally passed away. I was at the CogSci conference 2008 where I had just received a best paper award and the next morning opened my inbox and read the sad email. But there was also an email from my colleague Ryan Baker who had just become first time father of a beautiful daughter.
The circle of life cliche and song rang in my head and I know Randy was a big fan of cliches as well as of "The lion king"! :-)

I would have gone to see his last lecture but at that time I was in the Netherlands to renew my US visa. It wasn't until recently when I finally watched his last lecture on youtube. You know how it goes, always an excuse of being too busy to just sit down and watch it. And I'm really glad I did because his moving and inspirational talk gave me some more perspective on my current jobless situation.

People often ask me how I feel about being back with my parents. I always half-jokingly reply that it feels like being in the twilight zone. Honestly though, I'm pretty relaxed about it and all of us are trying to make the best out of it without getting on each other's nerves too much.
Furthermore, the current situation gives me the chance to self-reflect and re-evaluate things which can't be bad.

I'm at 18 solid applications and have gotten 9 rejections so far. As Randy said the brick walls are there to show us how badly we really want something. Right now I still happily bang my head against the brick wall in hope that at some point it will crumble. Or indeed, until someone comes along to throw me over.

Here's to Randy Pausch and the wonderful life lessons he gave us!

first post in NL and what else than a Steelers related post?

last night in Pittsburgh....

So the well-known dictator that is time has finally ordered the final night to wearily fall upon me. The last two months have been fairly busy, hectic but at the same time rather fun. It's hard to explain but I do bloom in a more chaotic setting and despite of some mood swings it often puts a smile on my face.
What I have gained and lost during my time in the United States is anyone's guess really. But those are trivial questions since it is this path I've chosen, or perhaps the path that has chosen me, and I follow it with open heart and amazement. Just like after my PhD I find myself in a situation in which my future job still remains to be determined and yet I'm traveling once again. Back to the Old Continent which seems to have been calling me gently and unconsciously throughout my time here.
I am a European in heart and soul and as such it will be a more suitable match with culture and people. That is in no way meant to be disrespectful but the ever rushing job obsessed U.S. East Coast mentality simply is not my thing. Furthermore, I've thoroughly enjoyed my stay here despite the difficulties of starting anew in a completely new country with all its obvious and less obvious consequences.

Tomorrow I leave for my "home" country the Netherlands which I still do not really consider my home base. Guess the gypsy blood in me makes me more of a world citizen, regardless of how sappy that may sound.
The summer will be most interesting while still working for CMU while abroad, attending two conferences in Amsterdam and the hopefully multitude of job talks to give. So far one job talk has been scheduled and with some luck I'll get a few more.
If I have no luck staying in academia then I have back-up plans so I'm not too worried at the moment. Things always have a way of working out, the specifics are often trivial really. As such, the summer will determine where I shall end up starting September.

Whether or not this blog shall continue remains to be seen, I do tend to post in bursts. While posting does frequently appear in the back of my mind the actual will and inspiration to do so sometimes just ebs away or is drowned in the events and unevents of daily life.
But to have this blog this very evening to simply channel my current mood is rather satisfying.

The one constant thing in my life remains good music. Right now I'm completely blown out onto open sea by the wonderful Amália Rodrigues. With music like this I can take on anything...

PITTSBURGH PENS WIN STANLEY CUP 2009!!!

HOLY SHIT!!!
That pretty sums it up haha. I definitely did not think the Penguins could pull it off but they proved me wrong as hell. What do I know about ice hockey anyway?
But the way they came back after losing the first two games in Detroit by winning games 3 and 4 in Pittsburgh was a foreboding.
Yet who could've thought they would rebounce from that aweful 5-0 loss in game 5? I thought that was it, end of series. But no, the Pens tied it in Pittsburgh in game 6 once again.
And last night in the lion's den they pretty much did the impossible, against the statistics and against the odds, after having lost all previous games of this Stanley Cup series in Detroit they managed to win the most important game of them all!
Game 7: Pens 2 - Red Wings 1

HOLY SHIT!!!

And the best thing about is that they did it 3 days before I'm leaving Pittsburgh and the United States altogether. I'll be leaving on a high note and happy to have witnessed both Steelers and Pens win the highest title in the same season. That in itself had never happened before so history has been written and both teams pulled it off in my final year in Pittsburgh.
Good times!

Now back to the last hectic days before I leave American soil. But there shall be a big grin on my face :-)